a motivation to do.

today i pulled out my water colors &glue &started in on my art journal(?) - i dont really know what to call it. i wrote without intent &im sure it all sounded better in my head. it's always hard for me to begin something. nothing is ever perfect enough. the water colors didn't resemble a sky enough, the words weren't styled in good enough font, there was a mark on the page. the criticisms continue &i force myself through them. i came to the conclusion that this is a good thing though. always wanting to be better, more perfect. i expect perfection when i'm giving something my all.

i suppose he has had some effect on me. one wouldn't think it could be long enough to have already left a mark, but with some people it doesn't take much. with some i don't need convincing to find something admireable. &with him i have. i am effected in the sense that i want that much more out of myself. ive always wanted this but now, pathetically perhaps, i have motivation to be, to do. &i curse myself, just as i always do, that in such sort time i have seen enough to like.. but with me i am still so hidden, so secured, so mysterious perhaps. i want what i have to offer to be obvious; i want to be able to flaunt it, have it known &yet i know i can teach another person so much but at the same time i know that not everyone is going to be willing to wait around for me to come out &prove that...

so i went along the aisles of bookshelves; trying to indulge myself in someone i hadn't heard of. this is hard for me at times. i was always a really smart child. i was so eager to learn. i'd finish all of my workbooks ahead of time, go to teacher stores &buy all the lessons to practice, i'd read every biography &historical event. then i was repremanded by teachers - they didn't want me getting ahead.. &i guess that's where i first started to slow down. then middle schools weren't accepting me - i was bad at testing &my IQ was low, or so that had been a secret kept from me. i was convinced that i was dumb &so i brushed off anything that had to do with intelligence. i decided to focus in on creativity, focus on writing, on expressing myself &all i was going through. now i realize how much i disregarded because of my insecurity. &at 17 i am hungry for more knowledge, to find out about those you set the platform for who we are today. i want more to say, more to discuss, more to relate back to. i ended up buying poetry by publius ovidius naso &nikki giovanni.

each day i want to be able to say i did something, something other than work out or school or sleep or party. i want to read, write, do photography, send a letter.. just something that i can be proud of. something that shows me i'm making something of myself &im no longer waiting around.